Gone

My Dad's side of the family was not huge but it was bigger than some. He had 3 sisters and two brothers (one of whom passed before I had a chance to meet him). Family was important to him, we socialized on the weekends with Aunts and Uncles and cousins. In some cases our extended network of family was so tight that cousins were best friends, pseudo siblings and to the death enemies... well maybe not the latter but there were feuds. Growing up, us cousins were pretty tight.

My sister and I fit right in the middle of the hoard; with cousins older, younger and the same age as us. T was in my age group, we played together when we were kids, He teased me and rough housed and made us laugh, we got along, we scrapped and then see each other the next time and all would be forgotten. Family was important, when my Dad passed, T was one of a handful who kept in touch as others drifted off. He'd drop in and tease me about the muscle pant guy who followed me home from school, or knock on the door late at night because he was in town and take me to the 7/11 for a Big Gulp, once he stopped in town and he took me for a ride on the back of his motorcycle. He'd stop at my sister's to see her and her kids on his way to see his own. His eyes were very much like my Dad's and his sense of humour too. I wish I could think of more specific memories those are the ones that stand out

T had been fighting a brain tumour for what seemed like forever, the last time I saw him he was in town for a blood treatment, he was loosing the use of the right side of his body, walking up stairs was difficult, his arm and hand wouldn't do what he wanted them to and the frustration he was feeling was hard to watch, at the same time we could tell that he was putting everything he had into getting better, staying strong. Soon after he got worse and had to go into hospital.

A few day's ago, after fighting for years, losing the use of his left hand, the only part of his body he had control over, losing the ability to speak without going into convulsions and so many other things T decided he'd had enough. He refused treatment except pain killers and stopped eating. He had his family around him, he'd made peace. He left us yesterday afternoon still knowing who he was, having fought a good fight.

T was family, like a brother only better. He had a kind heart. I'm heart broken, and that seems too little of a description for what I'm feeling, If this loss has hit me hard I can't imagine what my Aunt, Uncle and cousins (his brother and sisters) are going through, or his boys. The loss is too fresh to really grasp.

So in a nutshell yesterday was a pretty sucky day overall. On the other hand, knowing that he went on his own terms is going to make things easier at some point.

I won't be there when they bury him, he'd requested to be with my Dad and Grandparents and My Mom has given the OK for that. I wish that I could be but we can't swing it. Instead I'm trying to send out my love and support for his family from here. Not an easy task with a drippy nose leaky eyes and all the fun stuff that goes along with grief.

So I probably won't be posting here for a few days as I sort through all this emotional debris, I do have a post scheduled for Friday; my 5 question feature returns this week after that I'll see how things go