On the positive side I'm too obstinate to give up

I won't bother to mention that we have 5 more days to wait for the Bean. Time is just flying. The closer the day gets the more nervous I find myself getting about returning to breastfeeding. Starting out with the Peanut was easy; it was like she new instinctively how to latch on properly in the first few minutes of being on the outside and then things just went down hill.

Just like how all that talk about how exhausted you're going to be after the baby comes falls on deaf ears when you're pregnant for the first time; the whole breastfeeding thing doesn't seem to register as a difficult task until you're exhausted from the lack of sleep and frustrated because that little life you've just brought into the world is screaming and crying pitifully because she's hungry and you can't get the hang of getting her to latch on. Don't even get me started on the whole nursing through mastitis scenario...

I recently read this blog post about how hard it is to breastfeed and it struck a nerve or two. Mostly because I saw myself in her experience but also because I wholeheartedly agree that when it comes to motherhood we tend to gloss over the hard parts too much; and breastfeeding is one of the hardest. I refuse to make it sound like a walk in the park to those who are headed toward parenthood (partly because scaring the crap out of first time parents to be can be great entertainment for those of us who are seasoned practitioners).

I once went out for dinner with two good friends from art school who I had lost touch around the time we found out we were having the Peanut. It had been a good three years since I'd last seen them and there was a lot to catch up on; one was working in an exciting new job that had her traveling all the time doing something that she loves, the other had just gotten married and was basking in the glow that is being a newly wed while stressing about the fact that she was in her final year of school with finals and looking for a job ahead of her. We traded stories and pictures and when they asked me how much I liked being a Mommy (because I had been known to be very vocal about wanting to be one) I shocked them both by honestly telling them that sometimes I hated it. That having a baby was hard, breastfeeding: hard, adjusting to being a Mom: hard. That even though I adored my Peanut that I sometimes longed for the days when I was not tied down to a schedule. The whole conversation became a little uncomfortable about then. They weren't expecting so much honesty and I wasn't about to sugarcoat my feelings or my experiences so I changed the subject and we moved on.

And now I'm on the cusp of doing it all over again. I know how to breastfeed in theory but the last time the Peanut latched on she was a month shy of two and trying to multitask while eating by watching what her Daddy was doing and getting a little yoga in with a downward dog pose all at the same time. Breastfeeding a two year old is not the same as breastfeeding a new born and I'm planning on having the nurses into my room as much as possible while we're getting the hang of it because the whole wrestling with a hungry newborn is not high on my list of things I'm looking forward to the second time around. It's going to be hard and I'll probably have my Mom telling me to just feed her formula while she's here and I'll have to juggle the Peanut at the same time and I'll probably get frustrated but I will do it and I won't be telling anyone how easy and natural it is to do because the look on their faces when they see that I'm serious will make it all worth while. Well that, and the fact that the Bean will be getting exactly what she needs from me and I won't be paying through the nose for formula.