Two Days

In two days at this time I will be getting ready to bring the Bean out. I'm not sure how sleep on Tuesday night is going to be, the adrenaline is probably going to be pounding all night long. We have my niece coming over to watch over the Peanut while we head into the hospital for pre-op and my parents are on their way as we speak.

We'll be bringing the Bean out via a c-section. I made the decision to go that route because with the Peanut I had one, and because it was an emergency procedure that took place even before a single real contraction was felt. Having the second child is supposed to be a little less daunting and the whole unknown involved with labour wasn't making this time around seem so. I felt that trying to go naturally combined with having the Peanut at home and having my parents here for only a few short days it was better to go the already trodden path.

The Bean has started to slow down a little bit, she's not kicking nearly as much and her movements seem to be focused to mostly at night. My belly has dropped down a little bit and I've got that waddle walk going on that happens when the baby's head is engaged and it feels like she's going to drop out with each step. The Peanut is a super help, running to pick things up for me when I drop them, helping to pic up after herself and just being a sweet heart.

This will be my last post for a while. As I mentioned I've got my parents on the way and I want to focus on the Peanut for the next two days. I'll post again once we're home and settled.

On the positive side I'm too obstinate to give up

I won't bother to mention that we have 5 more days to wait for the Bean. Time is just flying. The closer the day gets the more nervous I find myself getting about returning to breastfeeding. Starting out with the Peanut was easy; it was like she new instinctively how to latch on properly in the first few minutes of being on the outside and then things just went down hill.

Just like how all that talk about how exhausted you're going to be after the baby comes falls on deaf ears when you're pregnant for the first time; the whole breastfeeding thing doesn't seem to register as a difficult task until you're exhausted from the lack of sleep and frustrated because that little life you've just brought into the world is screaming and crying pitifully because she's hungry and you can't get the hang of getting her to latch on. Don't even get me started on the whole nursing through mastitis scenario...

I recently read this blog post about how hard it is to breastfeed and it struck a nerve or two. Mostly because I saw myself in her experience but also because I wholeheartedly agree that when it comes to motherhood we tend to gloss over the hard parts too much; and breastfeeding is one of the hardest. I refuse to make it sound like a walk in the park to those who are headed toward parenthood (partly because scaring the crap out of first time parents to be can be great entertainment for those of us who are seasoned practitioners).

I once went out for dinner with two good friends from art school who I had lost touch around the time we found out we were having the Peanut. It had been a good three years since I'd last seen them and there was a lot to catch up on; one was working in an exciting new job that had her traveling all the time doing something that she loves, the other had just gotten married and was basking in the glow that is being a newly wed while stressing about the fact that she was in her final year of school with finals and looking for a job ahead of her. We traded stories and pictures and when they asked me how much I liked being a Mommy (because I had been known to be very vocal about wanting to be one) I shocked them both by honestly telling them that sometimes I hated it. That having a baby was hard, breastfeeding: hard, adjusting to being a Mom: hard. That even though I adored my Peanut that I sometimes longed for the days when I was not tied down to a schedule. The whole conversation became a little uncomfortable about then. They weren't expecting so much honesty and I wasn't about to sugarcoat my feelings or my experiences so I changed the subject and we moved on.

And now I'm on the cusp of doing it all over again. I know how to breastfeed in theory but the last time the Peanut latched on she was a month shy of two and trying to multitask while eating by watching what her Daddy was doing and getting a little yoga in with a downward dog pose all at the same time. Breastfeeding a two year old is not the same as breastfeeding a new born and I'm planning on having the nurses into my room as much as possible while we're getting the hang of it because the whole wrestling with a hungry newborn is not high on my list of things I'm looking forward to the second time around. It's going to be hard and I'll probably have my Mom telling me to just feed her formula while she's here and I'll have to juggle the Peanut at the same time and I'll probably get frustrated but I will do it and I won't be telling anyone how easy and natural it is to do because the look on their faces when they see that I'm serious will make it all worth while. Well that, and the fact that the Bean will be getting exactly what she needs from me and I won't be paying through the nose for formula.

An exact time

or as close to it is what I'm hoping to get today at our last maternity appointment.

Afterwards I'm hoping to spend some extra quality time with the Peanut. With time ticking down I'm doing my best to take time and be in the moment. This will be the last time I will be pregnant so all the bladder bumping ovary smashing I've been experiencing over the last two weeks will one day be looked upon with fondness (or perhaps not). This will also be the last time that I am the Mamma of a single child. My main goal over the next 8 days, other than to take it as easy as I can; is to make some special time for the Peanut during these last days she has us all to herself.

There is a part of me that is almost dreading the moment when the Peanut realizes that she's going to have to share us with the Bean. It's almost as big as the anticipation of being able to finally take a look at the bean in the flesh.

In case I haven't been blatant enough about it; the count down is on. Today marks 9 days until the Bean joins us on the outside. This weekend we made some special time for the Peanut, Her Daddy took her to the science center and out for lunch with a side trip to the toy store. Then she got to have a night in with her cousin; my niece while the husband and I went out for dinner.

On Sunday we rearranged our bedroom so that the co-sleeper the Bean will call bed would fit better. Other than that flurry of activity it was a lazy lazy day. Both the Peanut and I spent the day in our 'jamma's and read books (I'm in the midst of China Miéville's Iron Council) played computer games and drew pictures of panda bears.

Today I hope to finish up the second part of my book making tutorial for posting tomorrow. With a little more than a week to go before the Bean and Doctors appointments, family on the way and all the other stuff that comes along with bringing a new person into a family I'm hoping to keep up with the posts but I'm going to apologize now in case I just can't keep up. I'll be setting up notices over at PeanutButterPie and TMCphoto to let people know that I'll be away for the Bean as well over the course of the week with the hope that I'll be able to get things up and running again as soon as we're all settled.

How was your weekend?

There is a wall of water

cascading down into the street outside.

Any small piles of snow left over from Tuesday nights blanket will be gone by this afternoon or gone enough that they won't count as snow piles any longer. If it's possible the rain has just started in even harder and there are abut 50 tiny birds in the lilac tree outside my window and perching on the wires beneath the eves of the house next door that I can't seem to stop watching them for longer than it
takes to type one or two words.

I'm antsy but I'm wanting to hibernate; it's the rain. My moods are swinging back and forth a little violently and I'm working on keeping my patience for the Peanut. I have some photographs to take for a post next week today or tomorrow. I have last minute shopping to do to get ready for the Beans arrival in 12 days. I need nursing friendly jammas, another nursing bra and probably a few other items that I can't even remember right now.

I started packing for the hospital this morning, the only things for me in the suitcase are a not quite full enough of the stuff I'll probably need toiletry bag, socks and underwear. The rest is sleepers for the Bean, and blankets receiving and the fuzzy pink and white I was given last weekend, a hat and the Bean's "Hello Big Sister" gift for the Peanut. Everything else will have to wait because my housecoat and slippers are in daily rotation right now and as I mentioned above there are some new things I need to pick up before we let loose with the Bean.

Did I mention that we're on day twelve of the Bean Count Down?
I did? Oops, must be pregnancy brain

count down

We're headed into the final weeks, before we know it the Bean will be out and about and known by an actual name and I can't wait to meet her.

Today we're headed out to the hospital for our weekly appointment and then we'll be having lunch with the husband.

I'm hoping to get started on a multi-part tutorial at some point before the Bean comes along. I am however making no promises.

Piles and piles

of clothes handed down from my friends. And this on top of a small pile of new sleepers, cloths, toys and other baby things that my friends have gifted me.

Yesterday was my baby shower. Since my family is so far away from us this is probably the only celebration type gathering the Bean will get and it was a lovely afternoon with my Mamma friends.

I should mention that I'm really not that comfortable with having a lot of attention on me so, opening gifts, while fun; is an act of self consciousness even when surrounded by the people that I love. So I opened my gifts as unobtrusively as possible and hope that I will be able to express my thanks properly with thank you cards. The big gift of the day was an Ergo Baby carrier. Since I plan on wearing the Bean as a fashion accessory/ body warming device over the next few months I couldn't have received a better gift. Topped off with the fact that the brand is one that some of my Momma friends have used and love I'm thrilled.

After the shower ended and the husband picked me up we went and picked up the Arms Reach Co-Sleeper that I've been eyeing up since the Peanut was sharing our bed instead of sleeping in her crib because that was the only way that I was getting enough sleep to function. This time around we're starting out by co-sleeping and I have high hopes that the co-sleeper will make that much easier. Now we have to do some bedroom rearranging so that we can all fit.

Now what was that I read somewhere about nesting?

5lbs

Yesterday I spent some creative time carving a few new stamps while sitting at my new worktable. Today we're headed out to the Nutritionist for what could be my last appointment with them and the countdown to D-day continues.

I'll also be working on Friday's post; another 5 question feature which I'm very excited about.

And the 5lbs mentioned in the title of this post? How much extra weight that the Dr said I'm carrying around in retained water.

and the hormones, they keep raging

Wow.

All the lovely comments on yesterday's post had my eyes welling up. Thank You.


Things are starting to come together in the workspace. The Husband spent a huge chunk of yesterday working on his stuff and I'm itching to get in and start doing some painting, even if the space isn't exactly how I want it to be it's set and ready for the creativity to flow.

That's one other side effect of being all with child, I'm feeling very creative and very much like I want to be exercising that creative muscle while I still have some wide awake brain cells. So today is all about getting my creativity on. Well that and having a nap...

OK, I'll be putting my feet up now

Over the last week my feet or rather my ankles have been taking on a rather bloated state of being.

I've taken off my wedding and engagement rings and put them away (with the husband making a comment about not liking my fingers being bare which brings on the danger of some other man coming along and stealing me away from him; he's sweet right? either that or he's patronizing the hell out of me) and I am most decidedly waddling around instead of gracefully walking to point b from point a thanks to my legs feeling like they are about to come tumbling out of their sockets.

The count down to New Bean Eve is on, we are 24 days away from her much anticipated arrival and I would love to say that I'm loving every minute of these last few weeks but honestly I'm just wishing it were all over so that the real sleep deprivation can begin.

As it is, I'm up every hour on the hour most nights with Braxton-Hicks Contractions and Bathroom trips. Rolling over in bed to get comfortable involves waking fully up so that I can sit up, or heave myself up in order to reposition myself. Have I mentioned that there is a knee or possibly even a foot almost permanently lodged between against my ribcage and I'm just looking forward to getting to now this little wiggle worm.

And of course now that I've just spewed a waterfall of pregnancy related whining I'm now thinking about how these last few weeks are the last time I'll feel the quickening, the last time I'll be closer to this Bean than anyone else in the whole wide world and the last time I'll feel the anticipation of becoming a Mommy all over again.

You'll excuse me now as I take a moment to indulge in some pregnancy hormone related melancholy...

I Refuse To Should All Over Myself

Today we're meeting with the obstetrician and by this afternoon we'll know when the Bean will be making her debut as a real live little person as opposed the faceless bouncing bundle who is at this moment jabbing a very pointed knee into my ribcage.

I'm thinking that this whole having a second baby thing is going to feel even more real by the end of the day. You know, because the undulating belly, the hiccup reverb in my butt and the body shifting kicks aren't really enough to bring it home just yet.

We've decided to have the Bean via c-section. There are a number of reasons for this decision but the main one is that the anxiety surrounding experiencing natural childbirth for the first time is something I'm wanting to bypass. We've had a few emotional speed bumps over the last 7 months and the less anxiety that I have to endure the better. Since the Peanut was delivered via c-section I have the comfort of knowing what to expect as well.

Do I think I'm missing out on the whole experience of pushing and pain? Yup.
Just not enough to want to put myself through it. Do I think I should be having that experience? Not at all. I spent a few weeks waffling on the decision, considering what would be the best for me and our family and ultimately I decided that there was no way that I was going to should myself into doing what wasn't necessarily the best thing for me.

Being a parent, being pregnant, just being is hard enough with out the added stress of shoulding all over ourselves.

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Spike

my morning blood sugars are spiking which means as much as I want to, sitting around in front of the 'puter reading emails and blog posts with breakfast and after breakfast has to come to an end.

I like a little leisure in my morning especially since I know that in a few weeks there will no longer be the time to sit back and enjoy a spot of coffee and a little read.

Over all, I'm at the stage in this pregnancy where I'd be happy to have it finish sooner rather than later. Putting socks on is near impossible without uncomfortable contortionist movements. Putting pants on is somewhat similar and with the Bean hanging out so low in my torso lifting up my legs to put them into pants brings sharp pains. The littlest, tiniest things set me off; like watching Erasure's new video for A Little Respect the other day, or listening to Kate Bush's This Womens Work reduced me into a puddle of hormonal tears. Rolling over when sleeping involves becoming fully awake just long enough to heave myself up and around. And the Braxton Hicks contractions? horrible horrible horrible little things. Combine them with little knees and feet jammed into my ribcage and I'm threatening an unborn baby with no desserts for the first ten years unless she knocks it off. (for the record she has so far ignored all my threats; I don't think she's taking me very seriously)

On the other hand, because I know this is the last time I'll ever be pregnant I'm trying to take each moment in. I'm looking forward to meeting the Bean, getting to know her the side of her personality that doesn't involve kicking the stuffing out of me from the inside out. I'm looking forward to introducing the Peanut to her sister and watching how she takes on the role of the big sister. I'm looking forward to breastfeeding and snuggling my two girls. And I'm looking forward to a huge slice of cheesecake, or ice cream or a hand full of chocolate chip cookies without needing to go for a walk afterwards.

I woke up

at about the same time as normal today except the Peanut stayed sleeping. So I took advantage and lounged in bed letting my mind wander and paying attention to the kicks and punches that the Bean was laying on me. She's got a lot of muscle going on, there were a few that nudged me a millimeter here and there as she tried to stretch out.

We're fast heading into the weekly Doctors appointments and it's getting harder and harder to keep the blood sugars under control. Gone are the mornings of eating my breakfast and sitting over a 1/4 cup of coffee, now I have to get up and walk for 15 minutes. I am so looking forward to just plain old eating without having to calculate how many carbs and how much fiber and protein is in any given serving that I am planning on consuming. I've gotten to the point where I have a rotation of foods to eat that I know are at or below recommended serving sizes so I don't have to think about it too much. The difficulty with that is an attack of food ennui, where I'm getting bored with food. Oh but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's small but getting bigger...

So as I was saying above, I was enjoying one of the rare mornings when I'm not woken up by the Peanut calling out from her own warm bed (since it's started to be colder at night the Peanut has stopped dinosaur stomping into our room to wake us up) to tell me she's hungry. I was letting my mind wander and it started to wander towards next year's craft fair season. Particularly what I'm going to need to gather together so that I can have a professional looking display. I'm hoping to do at least two shows next year which means that the husband and I will continue to build on our inventory over the course of the year.

In addition to the ornaments we're kicking around another collaboration idea and I have plans for a further use of the stamps I've been carving for the ornaments... now to just keep up the creative momentum as the time approaches for the Bean to make her appearance and after...

By the way, have you had a chance to see the new customization service I've added to PeanutButterPie?

I mentioned a little while ago that I was testing out ways to add a little something extra to our ornaments. I got it all figured out and the first customized piece was sent out to my Etsy Baby Shower recipient last week. She sent me a note letting me know it had arrived and gave the ornament a glowing review!

stopping Post Partum Depression before we get to the post partum part

When I found out that the Bean was taking up residence I made the decision that I was going to make sure I felt good about myself during the pregnancy. Having gone through post partum depression with the Peanut, it was and is important to me that I take steps to bypass the PPD this time around. One of those steps involved getting my hair cut and coloured this weekend and not a do it at home colour and a cut at the hair school (which has been what I've gone for over the last four years) but a real professional job. There's something about spending a few hours with someones attention solely on you with the outcome of you looking fabulous that is good for the ego.

On top of that I'll be contacting the councilor that I was in touch with at the beginning of our pregnancy. Now that we're in the final trimester I want to touch base and talk about the anxieties that I've been experiencing lately and make sure that I'm headed in the right direction as we head into the home stretch. The one thing that I feel confident about is the support systems we'll have this time around. Having family close by is a huge difference from our experience with the Peanut. Knowing that we have someone close by who can and will jump in and help is a huge weight off.

Any thing else that we'll be putting into place will have to wait until the Bean makes her appearance. Things like co-sleeping so that my sleep is less disturbed and making sure that I get some time just for me or doing something just for me. I feel like I'm already ahead of the game this time around. The thing about PPD is the sense of failure that accompanies the diagnosis. Having a baby is supposed to bring happiness and fulfillment not deep despair and the feeling that you've lost who you are with that baby. Taking the steps to bypass those feelings now is a big part of getting ready for the Bean.

Costume Building

Every year I intend to get a good head start on the costume making. And every year I actually get that head start, mainly because I consider the planning and ideas stages as part of the job. This year is no exception with the exception that the Peanut got a little mind changey and then I got a little, "lets look at where we are going with this and make it easier on me if at all possible" and the costume that at the beginning of September was going to be a Monarch butterfly turned into a T-Rex costume which turned into my brilliant idea of a pterodactyl.

This weekend as well as carving the first of our two jack-o-lanterns; I got started on the handmade portion of the Peanut's costume; a paper mache pterodactyl hat. Normally I would have photographed the whole process and written up a kick ass tutorial to post over at Totally Tutorials but I'm finding I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with personal life drama, keeping up the momentum of the ornament collaboration with the husband and the whole keeping healthy while being pregnant situation.

Over the last two weeks I've noticed my blood sugars steadily climbing. While they are still mostly within range, all signs are pointing towards the GD setting in. Thankfully being on the GD program since the first trimester seems to be paying off as my weight gain has been slow and steady; the Bean continues to be within the size guidelines that the oncologist is aiming for and I've not once, even once dipped into the Halloween candy that we picked up at the beginning of the month.

So anyway, back to what I was taking about; our Halloween preparations. I got started on the pterodactyl hat and today we'll be painting the hat and hopefully attaching a headband to the inside to help keep it on the Peanut's head. Also on the to do list is attaching the wings I picked up on our Staycabamoon two weeks ago and my half-assed costume; the salmony orange t-shirt in my closet will have a pumpkin face attached to it right around the belly area so that the Bean will be costumed this year too.

no pain no gain

Yesterday I sweated in the heat of our living room window while bending and squatting and kneeling in all sorts of non-pregnant friendly poses in order to photograph the next batch of ornaments for PeanutButterPie. I'll be honest. I was not comfortable in the very least. In fact I'm sure that the Peanut was starting to get a little worried about her Mama with all the moaning and gasping and grunting I was doing. It seems I'm going to have to find a new set up for my product shots or I'll be making a whine filled post each time I set up the tree and lights.

On the plus side I'm fairly pleased with the shots I got and I've started listing the new ornaments already.



In other news I was up bright and early at 4:30 this morning after sleeping fairly soundly most of the night with a seriously full bladder and a dancing bean. I'll be headed for a mid morning nap soon to head off the grumpies and make sure I'm rested and refreshed for the foiling and soldering marathon the Husband has planned for tonight; which means there's another photo shoot in my future

A Thousand Words

25 weeks, and taken by the Peanut after playing
in the leaves we'd raked up in the backyard.
This was taken last week and we're still in short sleeves
hang your laundry outside weather.

staycabamoon

This weekend we had plans. The Peanut was all set up to spend the night with her Aunt and the husband and I were setting sail on the ferry to visit friends we haven't seen in a few years and spend some quality couple time. I believe that the cool kids call this a baby moon.

Unfortunately my friend's significant other became ill, bed ridden and contagious and our weekend trip was cancelled.

Not to worry, we decided to go the stay cation route or to combine the two as one of my friends put it a staycabamoon. I think it has a nice ring to it, it could catch on. The Peanut was dropped off at Aunties and the Husband and I spent the day in blissfull coupledom; window shopping along Main Street, eating out with no interruptions and conversing about adult things. Even sitting out on a sunny patio enjoying a cold beverage. And we managed to avoid talking exclusively about the Peanut for large chunks of time. I neglected to bring my camera with me so there is no photographic evidence of our day but sometimes it's good to be in the moment.

Of course, at the end of the day I think we both were missing our little dinosaur lover. This morning, instead of dozing past my usual morning wake up time, (which consists of the Peanut stomping from her room into ours like a T-Rex, climbing up into bed with me to explain a fun and educational dinosaur fact and then announcing that she is hungry) I was up and awake at 6. To compensate, after a quick breakfast I've crawled back into bed to write this post, read emails and catch up on all the blog posts I missed yesterday.

How was your weekend?

first we dream

So I've been having weird dreams lately. This apparently is normal for pregnant women.

The thing is, is that before the Bean came along I was dreaming about being pregnant. Months before morning sickness set in, my dreams were filled with the sensations of the quickening. At the time I chalked these dreams up to my subconscious coming to terms with the looming possibility that the Peanut was going to be our only child. Looking back now I see that those dreams were harbingers of what was to come, similar to the experience I had the year we conceived the Peanut and I "felt" her hand in mine during a Samhain ritual.

Last night I dreamed that the Bean was pressing her face into my belly, turning my belly into a head with her features molded into the stretched skin. When I write it down or try to explain it, it just sounds weird, and kind of disgusting, but during the dream, even though the whole concept seemed a little creepy I noticed that my response was not towards the creep factor. I was focused on getting that first peek at her face.

The bean moves almost non-stop. With the exception of the week following my birthday, I've been feeling her, watching her go (letting the Peanut put things on my belly so that the Bean can make them dance, watching her make waves in the tub) a lot of the dreams I've been having stem from this movement.

Of course the last few months and this past week in particular, combining the whole baby making experience with the culmination of a new project and launch (which has been a huge success to start off with; high views during the first few hours and inclusion in on Treasury too)has probably played a part in some of the dreams as well. All in all, I've always enjoyed my dreams, and these dreams are no exception.

Stalling

The Husband has written a little something that will be posted soon...

This weekend was chock full of busyness from meeting the Bean's future play mate (two weeks overdue no less) and enjoying an afternoon and evening of live music, good food and great friends to a little cleaning frenzy and further work on some new items our time just trickled away.

Today was a Dietitian day, where the Peanut and I traipsed out so I could :
pee in a cup (blood sugars normal)
get weighed (we're up about 25lbs above pre-pregnancy weight)
be chastised for my choice of breakfast (must eat more protein first thing)
and told that the Bean is very well behaved (says the specialist who didn't get the shot in the sciatica that I did last week; in her defence as a fetus she really doesn't know any better so I'll lay off).

Then it was off to meet the Husband for lunch and a quick trip in a torrential downpour home.

And at the end of the day I'm worried that I'm not promoting the new line as well as I could be; So I'm stalling a little with some of the postings so I can review how I'm doing this... I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal and the drawback there is that there's the danger of not thinking things out completely (which also has it's drawbacks; spending too much time thinking and not doing for instance).

I'm looking for a happy medium... In the meantime, the husband's post will be up soon and I'll be posting some images of what I've been putting together over the last little while. A little taste to whet your appetite as it were.