Unthinkable

 My heart is breaking for my niece and her partner and also for my sister. My nephew quietly left them yesterday, suddenly and from an unforeseen complication which was unrelated to his rare condition. A blockage in an artery dislodged and Linden went to sleep, peacefully, surrounded by the people who loved him best.

Linden fought tooth and nail, battling mountainous odds and beating them in his very short life. When things seemed to be at the darkest he rallied, accepting the positive energies and healing prayers that were being sent his way from countless people who knew him and his family and also from those who had just heard his story and kept him in their thoughts. For those of you who added to the ocean of support via my blog. Please, please, please accept my gratitude.

Losing a child is simply and horrifyingly unthinkable. We try not to dwell on the possibility that any child will leave this world before their parents. When it actually happens there are absolutely no words that can do justice to the grief that follows. The little we can do and say never

taken last week. Happy to be able to go outside after
months of being indoors. Linden was so close
to being able to go home.

feels like enough. We are awkward in our condolences.

As a mother I can only imagine (and quite vividly) what my niece is going through right now. I know that my imaginings barely scrape the surface of what she is living through. Her desire to have her baby in her arms just one more time must be overpowering. The wish that her child was still here and still in possession of all the possibilities we are gifted with when we take our first few steps in this life, must be exquisitely painful. These are things I imagine but cannot know myself. I am blessed with my two daughters. They are healthy and full of energy.

Watching my sister, my niece and her partner put all their energy into Linden's treatment allowed me to look at my girls and really be thankful for their health, their childish wisdom and even their mischievous moments. Because my niece is no longer able to hold her baby I hold mine a little tighter and for a few seconds longer. I am thankful that I have them, that their little spirits chose me to be their mother and I let them know.

Linden embodied the love from all the people who sent him their thoughts and prayers, from his grandparents and great grandparents who looked on him with devotion, from his aunts and uncles who fell in love with him the moment he was born, and from his parents who were graced with his monster sized soul. He fought to stay with them. When he was too tired to fight they/we fought for him. When it was his time to leave they held him with all their love as he went to a place with no more pain. Love is a verb as well as a noun. Linden was loved, he loved he was love.

In honour of Linden's short and powerful life please consider becoming a bone marrow donor, Linden's life would have had little hope had he not had a match.  If you live outside of Canada you can become a donor in your own country. Matches can be made from all over the world. To list a very few:

In Canada visit One Match
In the US go to Be The Match 
In the UK go to the British Bone Marrow Registry

You may be a match for someone whose life could be saved by a donation. Wouldn't that be a lovely legacy for my nephew? Please, if you do sign up and are a match for someone at anytime please let me know so I can pass that information on to my niece and her partner, knowing that Linden's circumstances helped someone else might be a tiny balm to the pain they are feeling right now and in the future.

Prayers and Then Some

Eyes open, a rare and beautiful sight lately

I was going to post about my Gran's memorial but instead I have to post about my eight month old nephew, he is in my thoughts so much these days, when I hold onto my own two healthy and happy girls the most. I was finally able to go to the hospital to see him and give some physical support to my sister and niece yesterday.

Linden is not doing well. His journey has been filled with ups and down so very high and so very low that they rival a roller coaster for how quickly things can change with and for him. This is why even though things right now seem as though there is no hope that I hold on to the hope that he will somehow spring out of the depths that he is in right now.

My niece, her partner and my sister were called into see the doctors yesterday and told that it will take a miracle for Linden to survive. He has been fighting a viral infection solely on medication because he has no immune system of his own, he is on three different life support machines because his blood pressure is dangerously low, his heart rate is dangerously high and he is unable to breathe on his own. The virus he has, has dropped by half through the medical treatment he is receiving, but it still rages through his body and they have him on dialysis to take the pressure off of his kidneys as they flush all the toxins and extra fluid from his body. He is in danger of going into cardiac arrest at any time. They were given the options yesterday:

They could turn off the machines and let him go.
They could leave him as he is, hope that he comes out of it and his heart doesn't stop
They could continue treatment and take the next step of giving him some of their own white blood cells in the hope that any white blood  cells will help to fight the infection. The danger here is that neither his Mommy or Daddy are a perfect match and the transplant will end in complications.

They have decided to honour the efforts Linden has made so far to live and they will keep up the fight for him; . Today they will be transplanting thier own cells with fingers crossed and all the prayers of family, friends and people who have never met them or Linden behind them.

For all of you who have sent your thoughts, prayers and healing energy to them at my requests already I thank you so very very much.  I ask that you continue to keep Linden in your thoughts if you follow no particular faith and prayers no matter which god/s you place your faith in. All positive thoughts no matter what form they take will help Linden out.

I will try and keep updates here as things progress. Since the ride Linden and his family are on is so very unpredictable (they measure things in the terms of good minutes/ hours instead of days right now) they aren't keeping everyone posted with each change unless the change is a drastic one positive or not.

Photo-tag

Heather from Joy de Vivre photo tagged me!

I'm up to the challenge of course.

Here are the rules:

1. Open your first photo folder.

2. Scroll to the 10th photo.

3. Post the photo on your blog and tell the story behind it.

4. Tag people to do the same.


This is the Peanut having her first bath at home. At the time she was less than thrilled and she's probably wishing that it was dinner time instead of bath time here. For the first few months we bathed her on the table in the dining room of our apartment, Other than the fact that this photo brings back so many memories of those first few days as a family instead of a couple, this photograph also features my Dad who passed away when I was 15. An enlargement of his passport photograph is framed int he background.

I'm not much for tagging with these things, If you want in on the photo tag fun follow the rules and let me know, I'll check ou your photograph and the story behind it too.