Counting My Blessings

Well last week we attended the celebration of my nephew Linden's life. It was a painfully sad day and there were not enough tissues to wipe away all the tears. Watching my niece and her partner say good bye to the baby that they were hoping to bring home and celebrate his first year was devastating.

Since Linden was entranced by the nurses green pants and was also drawn to his green coloured toys everyone wore green to the funeral service. All shades from deep forest to pale mint and soft limes were worn on shirts, dresses, ties, ribbons, jewellery and in the Peanut's case in the form of marker coloured bangs. At the burial they released a large Elmo (another of Linden's favourites) balloon surrounded in a bouquet of green which caught in the trees nearby. Some of us believe that Linden's spirit wanted to keep Elmo close by to help watch over his parents during the next little while.

Saying good bye to anyone whom has made an impression in your life is such a hard task. When that person is a baby... I can't even begin to describe how hard it is.

As I did in my last post, I'm asking that you please consider becoming a bone marrow donor, Linden's life would have had little hope had he not had a match.  If you live outside of Canada you can become a donor in your own country. Matches can be made from all over the world. To list a very few:

In Canada visit One Match
In the US go to Be The Match 
In the UK go to the British Bone Marrow Registry

You may be a match for someone whose life could be changed and possibly saved by a donation. Wouldn't that be a lovely legacy for my nephew? Please, if you do sign up and are a match for someone at anytime, please let me know so I can pass that information on to my niece and her partner, knowing that Linden's circumstances helped someone else might be a tiny balm to the pain they are feeling right now and in the future.

As for me I am holding my girls a tiny bit longer and telling them I love them a little more often . I am taking notice of all the good things in life and being grateful for all the blessings I have, including delicious birthday cake and extraordinary hand drawn and stickered birthday cards. It's not every year a Mommy turns ** now is it?

Unthinkable

 My heart is breaking for my niece and her partner and also for my sister. My nephew quietly left them yesterday, suddenly and from an unforeseen complication which was unrelated to his rare condition. A blockage in an artery dislodged and Linden went to sleep, peacefully, surrounded by the people who loved him best.

Linden fought tooth and nail, battling mountainous odds and beating them in his very short life. When things seemed to be at the darkest he rallied, accepting the positive energies and healing prayers that were being sent his way from countless people who knew him and his family and also from those who had just heard his story and kept him in their thoughts. For those of you who added to the ocean of support via my blog. Please, please, please accept my gratitude.

Losing a child is simply and horrifyingly unthinkable. We try not to dwell on the possibility that any child will leave this world before their parents. When it actually happens there are absolutely no words that can do justice to the grief that follows. The little we can do and say never

taken last week. Happy to be able to go outside after
months of being indoors. Linden was so close
to being able to go home.

feels like enough. We are awkward in our condolences.

As a mother I can only imagine (and quite vividly) what my niece is going through right now. I know that my imaginings barely scrape the surface of what she is living through. Her desire to have her baby in her arms just one more time must be overpowering. The wish that her child was still here and still in possession of all the possibilities we are gifted with when we take our first few steps in this life, must be exquisitely painful. These are things I imagine but cannot know myself. I am blessed with my two daughters. They are healthy and full of energy.

Watching my sister, my niece and her partner put all their energy into Linden's treatment allowed me to look at my girls and really be thankful for their health, their childish wisdom and even their mischievous moments. Because my niece is no longer able to hold her baby I hold mine a little tighter and for a few seconds longer. I am thankful that I have them, that their little spirits chose me to be their mother and I let them know.

Linden embodied the love from all the people who sent him their thoughts and prayers, from his grandparents and great grandparents who looked on him with devotion, from his aunts and uncles who fell in love with him the moment he was born, and from his parents who were graced with his monster sized soul. He fought to stay with them. When he was too tired to fight they/we fought for him. When it was his time to leave they held him with all their love as he went to a place with no more pain. Love is a verb as well as a noun. Linden was loved, he loved he was love.

In honour of Linden's short and powerful life please consider becoming a bone marrow donor, Linden's life would have had little hope had he not had a match.  If you live outside of Canada you can become a donor in your own country. Matches can be made from all over the world. To list a very few:

In Canada visit One Match
In the US go to Be The Match 
In the UK go to the British Bone Marrow Registry

You may be a match for someone whose life could be saved by a donation. Wouldn't that be a lovely legacy for my nephew? Please, if you do sign up and are a match for someone at anytime please let me know so I can pass that information on to my niece and her partner, knowing that Linden's circumstances helped someone else might be a tiny balm to the pain they are feeling right now and in the future.

Birthday Season

It's creeping upon us.

I don't have any photographs to share in this post but there will be some coming up in the next post. I promise (I got my mothers day/ birthday gift yesterday and I've been putting it through it's paces; a lens attachment for my iphone that has wide angle, macro and fisheye options; I'm super giddy about all that) in the meantime I'll keep this post as short as I can.

Usually for all the birthdays we go to each summer I get all the same thing for each child we celebrate with, and I always give something art supply-ish. Getting all the same thing for everyone means that shopping is less of a hassle and if I shop at the right time cheaper. We've been on a pretty tight budget ever since the Peanut came on the scene and now with the Bean here and the Husband headed back to school we are even tighter in the budget department.

I go with art supplies because a gift of art supplies is different from what they'll get from the other kids and because beyond crayons markers and the odd set of watercolours; kids don't really get stuff that they can be creative with on a regular basis. That said; I do have some fabulous Mommy friends who stock their kids up often but a little bit of something new is always welcome and just what the doctor ordered to get the boredoms out of the house.

In the last few years our gifts have been:
watercolour paints and glitter glue
sketch pads and pastels
Buddha paper (paper that changes colour when wet but then dries back to normal) with paint brushes
and last year it was a packet of watercolour paper and water soluble pastels

I won't say what we're getting this year since party season isn't on just yet, but suffice it to say that it will hopefully help those creative minds get going.

Birthday season starts off with the Peanut. She turns six in eight days and we'll be celebrating on the following Monday. It's a long weekend here and Monday seemed to be best for most of our friends to join us. We're keeping it simple. The theme this year is Using Your Imagination and we figured the best way to do that was to fill our back yard with moving boxes and let the kids use their imaginations to build obstacle courses, hide in them for hide and seek and create towns, space ships and whatever else they can come up with. I can tell you now that it will probably be nothing like what I've listed here and most definitely better.

Each child will go home with a personalized paper doll with a selection of clothes to colour, collage and decorate as they see fit. I've got costumes of astronauts, cowboys, rock stars, pirates, fairies, ballerina's and just plain old being you clothes for them to make up for themselves. I'm pretty excited about them and thinking of adding something similar in the Etsy shop. I'm seeing some potential to get into a niche here and I'm having fun with it as well.

In other news my nephew had his second transplant on Monday. No news is good news as far as we are taking things. We've heard very little except the odd photograph and facebook status. He's off the breathing tube and has even had a stint in his Mommy's arms which I'm more than sure has done him a world of good.

We're still sending out all of our healing thoughts and prayers to him he's got a long way to go but he's getting there each day.

So what types of things do you like to get for your kids birthday gifts? Do you go the experience route and get a class for them to take, a night out to the movies or a play or do you stick with toys and books or (heavens forfend) clothes? Share, please I always like to know what works best for other people.

Beating The Odds

So here's the thing, even good news is tempered by possibilities that are not so bright and sunny.  But good news is good news none the less. Today my niece and my sister sent out a facebook update that the CMV virus has lowered from 200,000 to 54000 on Monday and today down to 4500. 

To take the words out of my sister's mouth; hopefully this horrible virus will be destroyed and allow Lindens blood stream and organs some much needed rest to repair themselves. Monday Lindens second stem cell transplant will take place. His amazing mother will start her treatments tomorrow to empower her stem cells so her baby has a fighting chance! Keep up the prayers we need time on our side, no viruses and Lindens organs just to stay strong!

For those of you who have sent your prayers and thoughts Linden's way thank you so very very much and please keep them coming. His situation is measured minute to minute and all good thoughts do their part to help get him to where he needs to be. After being told that he could go at any time this news is breathtaking. It's a fantastic step forward for him. 

Prayers and Then Some

Eyes open, a rare and beautiful sight lately

I was going to post about my Gran's memorial but instead I have to post about my eight month old nephew, he is in my thoughts so much these days, when I hold onto my own two healthy and happy girls the most. I was finally able to go to the hospital to see him and give some physical support to my sister and niece yesterday.

Linden is not doing well. His journey has been filled with ups and down so very high and so very low that they rival a roller coaster for how quickly things can change with and for him. This is why even though things right now seem as though there is no hope that I hold on to the hope that he will somehow spring out of the depths that he is in right now.

My niece, her partner and my sister were called into see the doctors yesterday and told that it will take a miracle for Linden to survive. He has been fighting a viral infection solely on medication because he has no immune system of his own, he is on three different life support machines because his blood pressure is dangerously low, his heart rate is dangerously high and he is unable to breathe on his own. The virus he has, has dropped by half through the medical treatment he is receiving, but it still rages through his body and they have him on dialysis to take the pressure off of his kidneys as they flush all the toxins and extra fluid from his body. He is in danger of going into cardiac arrest at any time. They were given the options yesterday:

They could turn off the machines and let him go.
They could leave him as he is, hope that he comes out of it and his heart doesn't stop
They could continue treatment and take the next step of giving him some of their own white blood cells in the hope that any white blood  cells will help to fight the infection. The danger here is that neither his Mommy or Daddy are a perfect match and the transplant will end in complications.

They have decided to honour the efforts Linden has made so far to live and they will keep up the fight for him; . Today they will be transplanting thier own cells with fingers crossed and all the prayers of family, friends and people who have never met them or Linden behind them.

For all of you who have sent your thoughts, prayers and healing energy to them at my requests already I thank you so very very much.  I ask that you continue to keep Linden in your thoughts if you follow no particular faith and prayers no matter which god/s you place your faith in. All positive thoughts no matter what form they take will help Linden out.

I will try and keep updates here as things progress. Since the ride Linden and his family are on is so very unpredictable (they measure things in the terms of good minutes/ hours instead of days right now) they aren't keeping everyone posted with each change unless the change is a drastic one positive or not.

some things fall by the wayside

which is what happened with my Orange List project. This year I just couldn't get into reading after the first few books and it has taken me up until the last three weeks to actually feel a yen for a little reading. So what got me between the covers again?

Oddly enough it was a combination of a little Terry Pratchet "I Shall Wear Midnight" and a dash of autobiography featuring Anthony Kiedis' "Scar Tissue".

I started reading again on my trip to Alberta. I took the girls with me to attend my Grandma's memorial. I'll post a little more on that soon. I absolutely have to share the elegant and beautiful urn that my uncle chose.

Black Out Speak Out

Please join me, click the image below:  take action, speak out.

Silence is not an option, which is why I'll be turning off my inside voice today